Pocket of Consciousness - How do you define strength
5 of more to come -
As I sit here on the 11th anniversary of my fathers passing, I always try to find some teaching from him, and try to do something creative. It brought up the thoughts of how I always felt loved by my father and felt to some extent that he was one of the people in my life who truly got me and just loved me for who I was and in the end I embraced who he was and took the lessons with me. I have gotten a little lost along the way, however I am finding my way back, maybe with a little kicking and screaming, he always thought I was a tough nut and his little witch. I wear that sentiment with love now because it was given in love. This Blog is for you Dad, love you, and because you love poetry, here is one I wrote for you.
I felt love and freedom
I felt the pain of loss
I felt the freedom of flight
I felt the love of endless life
I felt the connectedness of thought
I felt the warm smile of my fathers’ love
I felt the light of my fathers’ embrace
I am connected to ALL
Strength – How do I define strength.
I was recently told that I had strength because I was able to leave a difficult relationship, which was by no means symbiotic.
When I was told that I was taken back a bit, because I thought, leaving the relationship was the easy part, there was no strength in that.
The difficult part that required strength was breaking the illusions that I had made with this relationship. Taking off those rose-coloured glasses and really looking at myself to understand why I felt I needed this relationship in my life in the first place.
When I looked deeper, what I found was at first this person I met felt very familiar to me, (you know those feelings when you feel you know this person, there was a reason she was in my life, good or bad I had to go there), she was a person who was never afraid to reach out for what she wanted, she seemed to have a very close relationship with someone whom I had a great deal of respect for and there was no way that I could reach out like she did (I admired that tenacity in her).
She was actually quite ferocious in this, she had no boundaries whatsoever, now when I look back at the situation (when I removed the rose-coloured glasses) it was more a sense of entitlement to her. She really had no respect for others time, as I said the relationship was not symbiotic it was always about her.
Yes, I was fooled, however I do not blame this relationship for the rabbit hole that I went down with it, I actually thank it with my entire being. It taught me some very big lessons in my life and revealed patterns in my life (Hoping someone else could do the work for me, break the ice with a person that I respected, as I am very shy in many ways, or I should say I am more a social introvert, way better in small groups or one on one). So in a way the relationship was very symbiotic, however it was coming from an unhealthy place, it was not allowing either one of us to grow and evolve, it was just feeding the illusions that I had built for myself. It taught me that I can care for a person and let them go, that when I feel those niggling little doubts that tell me that something is not right here, I should investigate further (i.e. call them out, dig deeper). That I have to take off the rose-coloured glasses, and see the reality of the situation, not paint it with a different brush than what it really is.
The strength was in breaking the illusion that I had constructed for myself to stay with the relationship, and believe you me there were many illusions I had created, for example, she has no mother, she is a single mom, she is really trying to heal and help herself (and she was at first). Honestly though, who am I the sacrificial lamb in someone else’s play. It’s actually quite funny that I have said these same words to my daughter and granddaughter too in other situations. As women we have been taught to sacrifice ourselves for what we believe is the better good, never thinking that the better good may be to not sacrifice ourselves at all as we are then living someone else’s play and lose ourselves in their lives. We are truly taking something away from them, we are enabling them and to some extent enabling ourselves also to stay in a relationship that is not symbiotic and never has been. I send her so many blessings and love, that she may find her way through life in a loving way. I had to realize that this was her life, her choices, and the way that I look at life is not the same for everyone, and I have to respect that.
Now I truly understand the word strength, it is not weathering or accepting the status quo in our life, it is honouring our lives and what we have to bring to the table.
and another pocket of consciousness arrives .........